NOTE:
"Close Up" is a regular UMNS and UMC.org feature on current issues.
Photographs and two sidebars, UMNS stories #301 and #302, are also
available.
A UMNS and UMC.org Report By Kathy L. Gilbert*
By Kathy L. Gilbert*
The
healing power and love of Jesus Christ is the answer to relationship
problems, says the Rev. Sheron C. Patterson, pastor of St. Paul United
Methodist Church in Dallas. “People have to understand that when Jesus
is in a marriage, he is the glue that keeps them together. Human beings
can’t love each other the right way all by themselves. He needs to be
the third party in every marriage.” A UMNS photo illustration. Photo
number 03-196, Accompanies UMNS #300, 5/28/03
No Long Caption Available for this Story
In
a national survey conducted for Rutgers University’s National Marriage
Project by the Gallup Organization, young adults ages 20-29 are
searching for a deep emotional and spiritual connection with one person
for life. “At the same time, the bases for marriage as a religious,
economic or parental partnership are receding in importance for many men
and women in their 20s,” says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of
Rutgers’ National Marriage Project. A UMNS photo illustration. Photo
number 03-195, Accompanies UMNS #300, 5/28/03
No Long Caption Available for this Story
Marriage
has been placed under the microscope of scholars and is the subject of
numerous research papers, surveys, books and Internet Web sites. More
than 70 scholars, meeting recently for a conference on “Sex, Marriage
and Family and the Religions of the Book” at Emory University, shared
research papers with such titles as “Happily Ever After? Sex, Marriage
and Family in National and Global Profile” and “Trends in Dating, Mating
and Union Formation Among Young Adults.” A UMNS photo illustration.
Photo number 03-194, Accompanies UMNS #300, 5/28/03
No Long Caption Available for this Story
Married
people are less likely to be violent or involved in substance abuse,
and they have lower rates of injury, illness and disability than
singles, according to Linda J. Waite, professor of sociology at the
University of Chicago and author of “The Case for Marriage: Why Married
People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially.” A UMNS photo
illustration. Photo number 03-193, Accompanies UMNS #300, 5/28/03
No Long Caption Available for this Story
Would you like to live longer, be happier, healthier and wealthier, and have a better sex life?
Get married.
Married
people are less likely to be violent or involved in substance abuse,
and they have lower rates of injury, illness and disability than
singles, according to Linda J. Waite, professor of sociology at the
University of Chicago and author of The Case for Marriage: Why Married
People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially.
But if marriage is the answer to a happier, longer life, why is the institution in so much trouble?
From 1975 to 2000, in the United States alone: · One-third of all children were born to single mothers. · Half of all marriages ended in divorce. · Two-thirds of all juvenile offenders came from homes of divorce. · Three-quarters of all African-American children were raised without fathers.
In
addition, divorce rates have doubled in the United Kingdom, France and
Australia in the last four decades, according to John Witte Jr., the
Jonas Robitscher professor of law and ethics at United Methodist-related
Emory University and director of the Center for the Interdisciplinary
Study of Religion in Atlanta.
Marriage rates have dramatically
decreased, while illegitimacy, domestic violence and sexually
transmitted diseases have increased around the globe.
Marriage
has been placed under the microscope of scholars and is the subject of
numerous research papers, surveys, books and Internet Web sites. More
than 70 scholars, meeting recently for a conference on "Sex, Marriage
and Family and the Religions of the Book" at Emory University, shared
research papers with such titles as "Happily Ever After? Sex, Marriage
and Family in National and Global Profile" and "Trends in Dating, Mating
and Union Formation Among Young Adults."
Revolution, earthquake
and whirlwinds describe the tremendous changes sex, marriage, and the
family have undergone in the past 100 years, says Rebecca S. Chopp,
president of Colgate University and former provost at Emory University,
speaking at the closing session of the conference.
Does marriage have a future?
Should
marriage be celebrated as a community strength that makes men and women
healthier and happier; abolished as a legal category that discriminates
against single or cohabiting couples; maintained as a way of keeping
fathers involved in childrearing; or kept as a societal control to ward
off sexual chaos?
"Being married changes people in ways that make
them, their children and their communities better off," Waite says
during the Atlanta conference. "Marriage is a public promise to stay
together for life."
But marriages today are far from unbreakable,
since the "no-fault divorce revolution," argues Martha Albertson
Fineman, professor of feminist jurisprudence at Cornell University.
Given
this and other changes in patterns of intimate behavior and gender
roles, Fineman proposes that marriage should no longer be the only such
privileged legal connection. A diversity of loving and reproductive
relationships exists among adults. "Family is not synonymous with
marriage," she says. "Why should marriage be the price of entry into
state-supported subsidies of families?"
Marriage has important
implications for the father's role in the life of the family. Healthy,
viable marriages encourage responsible fathering, says William J.
Doherty, professor of family social science and director of the Marriage
and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota.
"Fathering
outside a good-enough marriage is an endangered species," Doherty says.
"In two-parent families, father involvement is more dependent on the
wife's expectations than (the father's) own."
Also, fathers are
more likely to withdraw from their children if the marriage is in
trouble. "Men co-parent with mothers," he explains. Ideally, fathers
would provide lifelong emotional and financial support for their
children and the children's mother, even if the marriage fails. But in
reality, this may not occur.
"The utilitarian approach is not
robust enough to ground an ethic of fatherhood," Doherty says. "We need
our religious traditions to do that."
Looking for a soul mate
In
a national survey conducted for Rutgers University's National Marriage
Project by the Gallup Organization, young adults ages 20-29 are
searching for a deep emotional and spiritual connection with one person
for life.
"At the same time, the bases for marriage as a
religious, economic or parental partnership are receding in importance
for many men and women in their 20s," says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead,
co-director of Rutgers' National Marriage Project.
"Taken together, the survey findings present a portrait of marriage as emotionally deep and socially shallow."
Survey results show: ·
Ninety-four percent of never-married singles agree, "When you marry you
want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost." · Less than half (42 percent) of single young adults believe it is important to find a spouse who shares their religion. ·
More than 80 percent of women agree it is more important to them to
have a husband who can communicate about his deepest feelings than to
have one who makes a good living. · A high percentage of young adults (86 percent) agree that marriage is hard work and a full-time job. ·
Close to nine out of 10 (88 percent) agree that the divorce rate is too
high and that the nation would be better off if it could have fewer
divorces; 47 percent agree the laws should be changed so that divorces
are more difficult to get.
What's love got to do with it?
The
Rev. Sheron C. Patterson, pastor of St. Paul United Methodist Church in
Dallas, calls herself the "Love Doctor." In 1995, she says, the Lord
sent her a vision that has evolved into "the Love Clinic," a seminar on
issues affecting dating, marriage and parenting.
"The Lord told
me to go and share information about healthy relationships with the
general public," she says. "There was evidence they did not know (how to
have healthy relationships) from looking at the divorce rates and the
domestic violence rates and the teen pregnancies rates."
The
healing power and love of Jesus Christ is the answer to relationship
problems, Patterson says. "People have to understand that when Jesus is
in a marriage, he is the glue that keeps them together. Human beings
can't love each other the right way all by themselves. He needs to be
the third party in every marriage."
When asked if marriage has a
future, she laughs and says yes, but it must keep up with the times. "I
think marriage is going to have to continue to evolve, needs to change,
is changing," she says. "Marriage as it used to be in the '50s and '40s
is a dying thing, and I think it needed to die."
The old
stereotypes about the "strong silent man who brings home the bacon" and
"the meek, stay-at-home, take-care-of-the-house-and-kids woman" are
gone, she says.
"Men have to do a lot more in a contemporary
marriage. They have to understand the money is good but we need a lot
more of them," she says. "In today's world, women have to think, have to
be savvy. Women tend to lose themselves in a relationship, in a
marriage. Women are going to have to hold on to themselves and not
dissolve."
Marriage gives people two things they desperately need: stability and certainty, she says. "People
need to know that they have someone to come home to," she says. "They
need to know they are loved and that there is unconditional support and
love for them.
"When you cohabit there is always that fear, 'Will
he leave?' or 'Will she ever marry me?' Cohabitation, although popular,
is never a good idea," she says. "There are so many uncertainties and
so many ways people can be taken advantage of."
Patterson says the statistics about happier, healthier married people are true.
"The
deal is the media has put marriage on the low rung and made singleness
the top thing. There is a perception that single folk have a lot more
fun, but I think married people are having fun, they are just not
getting a lot of media attention."
The church needs to start
young, with second- and third-graders, in teaching people how to have
healthy relationships. If the church doesn't teach them, then radio,
television and films will, she warns.
"Marriage is hard work,"
Patterson says. "There is an illusion that if you find somebody to love,
then the rest is easy. It is not. You have to work every day, even when
you don't feel like working."
Standing in defense of marriage
In
Tallahassee, Fla., 65 churches have joined and signed a community
marriage policy. Participating churches have pledged they will stand
side by side in support of marriage.
As part of the pledge,
churches agree not to marry couples unless the couples go through a
five-week premarital workshop. Churches must offer weekend marriage
retreats, address marriage in Sunday school classes, host workshops and
seminars, and pledge to set an example of good marriages in the members'
homes.
Killearn United Methodist Church is "the flagship church"
in the community marriage policy, according to church member Richard
Albertson. Albertson is also president of "Live the Life Ministries" a
local ministry in Tallahassee that is part of Marriage Savers, a
national nonprofit organization founded in 1996 by Mike J. McManus.
"The
Lord created marriages, and two-thirds of marriages occur in churches,
synagogues and houses of worship," he says. "Clearly, we have access to
most marriages, and we need to do a better job of preparing and
restoring marriages."
Albertson says the divorce rate in Leon
County, Florida's capital county, has dropped 12.9 percent since the
policy was adopted four years ago. That's been documented by the
Institute for Independent Research outside Salt Lake City, he says. "And
they directly attribute it to the community marriage policy."
The
divorce rate at Killearn, a 2,000-plus-member church, has dropped
dramatically. Of the couples that have gone through the program in the
last four years, only one or two have divorced.
"That is
staggering," Albertson says. "And couples who have completed the crisis
intervention program (for marriages that are in trouble) have had zero
divorces."
Premarital counseling is vital. Sometimes couples,
especially the men, are reluctant to commit to the counseling sessions,
Albertson says. However, once they go through the program they are
changed people, he says.
Albertson says he sets up a booth at
bridal shows next to caterers, photographers and florists. A big poster
over his booth states: "Before you tie the knot, let us teach you the
ropes."
"They (young couples) are more interested in the cake,
the honeymoon, what kind of food they are going to have, what band will
play. They are not thinking about the marriage.
"The magic is
Christ," he says. "We point them to Christ; it is all about Christ. We
tell people, 'Your marriage crisis is more about you and God than it is
about you and your spouse.'
"That's quite a revelation when they get their heads around that." # # # *Gilbert is a news writer for United Methodist News Service.
Related Story
Korean News
