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A UMNS Report
By Kathy L. Gilbert*
7:00 A.M. ET Feb. 20, 2013 | NASHVILLE, Tenn.
A military couple hold hands during a “From Warrior to Soul Mate” retreat. Photo by William Buchanan.
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Marriage is never a walk in the park, but when you add in long
deployments to dangerous, remote locations, for military couples it can
feel like a walk in a war zone.
After all, if your spouse is in Afghanistan when the car breaks
down, your child comes home with the flu or your boss needs you to work
overtime and you don’t have any backup, it can feel pretty lonely.
The Rev. Dick Millspaugh, a United Methodist pastor and Veterans
Affairs chaplain, sees the effect that kind of stress has on families.
He is offering relationship roadmaps to military couples in a course
called “From Warrior to Soul Mate.”
“The focus is on how we communicate under stress … on different styles of communication,” he said.
“From Warrior to Soul Mate” started in a VA hospital when Millspaugh
and others recognized caring for the nation’s wounded also means
helping them repair crumbling intimate relationships. The program is
based on the nonprofit PAIRS Foundation, which offers educational programs to strengthen marriages and families.
“Unfortunately, military service often challenges healthy
communication for couples who face lengthy deployment separation,
financial stress and role changes in their relationships,” Millspaugh
said. “Spiritual, emotional and physical injuries further challenge
couples’ ability to bond, to listen well to each other, to deal with
conflict and to understand how each person's unresolved wounds may
interfere with constructively solving current stressors.“
Millspaugh said churches could be instrumental in helping veterans
and active duty couples repair and address those issues by hosting
retreats using the PAIRS model taught by certified instructors.
A PAIRS retreat usually takes place in a group setting of 30 to 60
people. Instructors can teach the nine-hour curriculum over a weekend
or in several class sessions. Couples are given lots of time to reflect
on what they have been taught and are given assignments to complete
together. Millspaugh said it is education, not therapy.
First offered only in VA hospitals, the program has grown to include more than 20 sites across the nation, Millspaugh said.
In a report on the program, Millspaugh reflected, “How can one
measure the lives literally saved from suicide, the children not
touched by divorce, the costs not incurred by stress-borne illnesses or
homelessness?”
Chaplain Ronald Craddock, chief of chaplain services at Charlie
Norwood VA Medical Center, said 70 percent of combat veterans
experience marital problems and 20 percent decide to divorce before
they even return.
Letters from military couples who have been offered a chance to go
through the retreat, free of charge, are filled with gratitude for the
difference that the program has made in their relationships.
“I was very impressed with the things that I learned at the PAIRS
retreat. I learned more this weekend on how to effectively
communicate in my relationship than I have in 12 marriage counseling
sessions. Seventy-five percent of what I learned this weekend is very
critical to my marriage,” wrote one couple.
For more information on VA’s marriage retreat program, contact Chaplain Dick MIllspaugh, PAIRS/VA Trainer, by email or at (888) 724-7748 x834.
*Gilbert is a multimedia reporter for the young adult content team at United Methodist Communications, Nashville, Tenn.
News media contact: Kathy L. Gilbert, Nashville, Tenn., (615) 742-5470 or newsdesk@umcom.org.